It’s Just A Paper…

By T. Marie on November 22, 2016

Soooo… when are y’all getting married? That’s probably THEE most annoying question that you can ever ask a person… Especially one that is in a serious relationship. Not that every woman doesn’t dream of their wedding day, because we do, but seriously, we don’t want to be hounded about it either.

Furthermore, marriage is about a lot more than the party and the paper. The marriage should happen inside first before you present it to the outside world. To be married to your partner means to be of one heart and one mind. No, I don’t mean that you can’t have an individual thought, but I want you to dig deeper. Marriage is essentially combining the family and life of two people to one. That same principle applies to your heart and mind. You and your partner should operate with the same goal in mind, you should love your partner just as much as they do you, you should want to see your household thrive just as your partner should etc. It’s not about you, it’s not about him, but about y’all and what the both of you want. Make sense? Both of you, individually, must go through your own growth and healing processes from whatever baggage that you may be carrying prior to attempting a marriage. The goal of being married is to be synced in every aspect of your life, that’s the beauty of it. The union should magnify the strength of your household and your bond.

With that said, the paper means absolutely nothing. In western society, the paper allows you to have joint debt, but that’s about it. And of course, everyone loves the party, right? The wedding, in my opinion, gives a couple the opportunity to celebrate and rejoice over the union (that happened well before the wedding) with family and friends. I absolutely loveeeeeee the idea of weddings! So much so that I could look at wedding pictures of strangers all day and feel the same sense of joy that I would if I were viewing pictures of close friends and family. I mean, let’s be real, what woman doesn’t want to spend months planning the biggest party of her life? What woman doesn’t want to spend countless hours trying on beautiful wedding gowns, adorned with trains and veils that make her feel like a princess? What woman doesn’t want one day where she just feels like it’s all about her and her happiness? (… and her husbands too *side eye*). Yes, there is joy in that moment, and lots of it! But let’s not get confused, there are too many people who get married these days just for the wedding. Some even display such dislike for one another that I question why they would ever be getting married in the first place? Far too often, we have the perception that once we get married things will change… HE will change. No no no, that’s not true. The person that you entered a relationship with is the same person that you marry. Marriage doesn’t change personality flaws, infidelity or any other issues that are lying beneath the surface in the relationship. That’s not how it works ladies. The expectation that it will is where we often go wrong. For example, if a man is verbally abusing you, and he hasn’t taken any steps toward healing that aspect of himself, he’s still going to do so after the wedding. So… back to the point of the “marriage” happening before the wedding. As lifelong partners, you must be aligned: one heart, one mind, one life, and one family. However, in the back of our minds we still hear that question ringing ever so loudly in our ears… “Sooo… when are you getting married?” And in that instance, we start to question our whole life! We think… omg, it IS time for me to get married. When is it going to happen? I’m getting old, I can’t wait forever! Where is my Prince Charming, he needs to hurry! Wait… he can’t be broke though. Maybe he’s somewhere prepping himself for marriage too? Maybe he’s already married and need to get a divorce *side eye*. The 22 questions that we begin to ask ourselves forces us to start to put wayyyyy too much emphasis on the wedding, and not enough on the marriage. Due to such, we ultimately jump the gun, right? We meet a man (or three) … feel like they are the right one because you know, he’s cute, right?! He treats you nice, he has a job AND his own car! Bang, you found him this time! But focusing on those trivial things causes you to lose sight of your hearts TRUE desires. Like… what do you really want (beneath the surface)? What type of man do you need to help you thrive as a person? Who do you want to wake up to every morning? Does he flush the toilet when he goes to the restroom? *insert sarcasm* but all the important things, the questions that need answered, the desires that you ignore, go unnoticed because you are focused on… well… getting married (the wedding). I’m sure if I pulled some statistics, the divorce rate of our generation would be through the roof which it’s easy to do when you didn’t get married for the right reasons in the first place. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a wedding, but the marriage… the marriage happens under God, and does so well before you ever get to the alter. At least it should…

My hope is that at some point we, as women, realize that… marriage takes time. Be patient with yourself and your partner. The process of joining two hearts and minds into one is not an overnight task. Even if you meet a man who seems to be in sync with all your hearts desires, be patient. There are men out here who love to prey on and manipulate women. I know I’ve said it a thousand times already but patience really is key. Good things come to those who wait and if you allow yourself the time to find what you truly want and need, it will be well worth it in the end.