What is the role of the victim
and the villain
? Can there truly ever be such a thing? What I mean by that is when you are within a relationship with someone, there is this litttttttle thing called accountability that is bestowed upon each and every one of us.
Now, I know you are probably saying, wait a minute, I didn’t choose to be cheated on, or I didn’t choose to be lied to etc… But I’m pretty sure the person that you are/were dealing with showed some signs of cheating when you were dating (i.e. not answering the phone after a certain time, appearing to be on guard when they were with you). And… I’m pretty sure they showed some dishonest ways during the dating phase (i.e. lying about stupid shit like why they didn’t answer the phone, or their whereabouts).
Of course, the accountability factor is probably the hardest thing to accept in relationships. So, let’s explore an example to get a clear picture of where this lies, then, we will dive into some analysis, and explore possible resolutions.
Let’s take this Tiny and T.I situation that is occurring right now. Just to recap (and this will be a very brief recap because I do not want us to get caught up in the negatives of the situation), per the media, T.I has on multiple occasions been caught cheating on Tiny (one of which resulted in a baby per the media). Tiny on the other hand was said to have been carrying on a special friendship with Floyd Mayweather Jr. (who is a professional boxer for those of you who may not know this tid bit of information). Sometime in 2014, T.I and Floyd were said to have had a brawl in Vegas, following Tiny attending one of his fights and a cookout the next day. There were many disrespectful words hurled, including Floyd screaming to T.I. “control your b*tch”. Ok, so that happened. I suppose T.I and Tiny done what people do in relationships and discussed it and moved forward. Now… fast forward to late 2016, Tiny and Floyd were captured on video having a dance at some sort of a Halloween party. The video hit the internet and all hell broke loose. Not just from the fans, but from T.I and Tiny as well. From there, it has escalated to be one of the ugliest public break ups in history. Tiny was quoted stating, “When a woman’s fed up… For years I’ve been the one getting hurt, but now that a lil video done surfaced with me having a friendly dance, he’s mad?? Why? Yes, he’s my husband but damn can I not have a male friend?! T.I can’t be the only male friend I associate myself with just like I know I ain’t the only Female he associate himself with so… It is what it is…” (click the “ANALYSIS” tab to continue reading)
Now, there is plenty to be discussed here. The first being the root cause of the issue. Tiny, who clearly has felt that she has been done wrong again and again in the past, is clearly hurt from T.I’s actions. Through dealing with such, she more than likely developed the mentality of why is what’s good for the goose not good for the gander? This is an analogy that basically states, what is good for a man is equally good for a woman; or, what a man can have or do, so can a woman have or do. So, if he has female friends, why can’t I have male friends? Which is a valid question! And, in dealing with such there should be balance in the relationship. When it comes to friends of the opposite sex, there is no harm in having them. The harm comes in when those friends turn into other things such as sex partners, baby mamas, baby daddy’s, etc. Be an adult about the friendship meaning, no bashing your spouse to your “friend”, no sexually provocative conversations, no crossing any lines PERIOD. Once you do, there is sand that you quickly sink into that can ultimately cost you your relationship/marriage. But, as far as having friends of the opposite sex, there is absolutely no harm in that.
T.I, on the other hand, also feels hurt behind the situation and a bit disrespected too. The masculine energy can bring a bit of possessiveness which translates to, they do not want any other male to be intimate in any way, shape, or fashion with their woman. And whether we want to believe it or not, dancing IS indeed intimate. Now that the video has hit the public, and been seen by pretty much millions of people, he is embarrassed. Embarrassed that just a couple of years ago, he was fighting this man over his wife, only for her to turn around and be caught dancing with him. His feelings are very valid as well, and should not be ignored when assessing the facts here.(click the “RESOLUTION THRU HEALING” tab to continue reading)
RESOLUTION THRU HEALING
We are ultimately dealing with two hurt people here. Either of which can be portrayed as the “victim” or the “villain”, it just depends on whose perception is being applied. Both of them have very valid feelings and concerns. However, anytime something as personal as this plays out in the public eye, it never ends well. Mostly because the ego comes into play, and no one wants to feel like the dumbass of the situation. Meaning, oh she took him back after he cheated she’s dumb, or, oh he’s crazy for going back to her after she danced with his enemy. But to be honest, if the relationship is worth overcoming that and healing, then so be it. That brings us back to the root word… ACCOUNTABILITY. Both parties are accountable for what is occurring right now… both parties are accountable for hurting one another. This issue is one that should have been addressed within their home. One that would require many tears and frustration, but could have ended much better. The hurt has to be healed, that is the only way to get back to some sort of normalcy. Anytime a relationship has been around for 20 years, you are going to have some stories to tell BECAUSE we are dealing with people AND people are not perfect. So, what happens? You go through things, and you grow through things. The most important key is communication. Both parties have to be open to RECEIVING what their partner has to say. Whether that is the explanation of how your actions made them feel, or their frustration with you and your decisions in that moment. No one reserves the right to tell you how you feel. NO ONE. So if something hurts you, say that. If something made you angry, say that! Your feelings cannot be explained by another being. You are entitled to them, and they are specific to you. Embrace them and pay attention to them. If you ignore something that bothers you, it will only fester and grow bigger. There is no victim or villain in relationships so please, let’s stop portraying such. Life is about decisions. Every decision that you make, impacts your future. The decision can either yield a reward or a consequence, you choose, but one will be reaped. The same applies when staying after you feel that you have been done wrong. If you make the decision to stay, you can no longer cry as the victim. You CHOSE to stay. Simple. You could have left and moved on with your life, but you didn’t. Take control of your decisions. It doesn’t have to be this complicated, but unfortunately, going through such hurtful things helps us grow and sometimes that’s the option that we always choose.