Dawn of a New Century…

By T. Marie on July 3, 2020

July just breezed in… yet it seems like just yesterday was January 1st… when the timeline was filled with goals, and those who proclaimed that new years resolutions were a thing of the past and affirming their destiny was the new normal. Sequin dresses, suits, and parties on NYE filled the screen as we scrolled through our timeline in boredom. It seemed like everyone was having fun, right? Although my NYE tradition is spent in the house visualizing, praying, meditating, and sageing, it was still a normal day in the neighborhood.

It couldn’t have been a whole week into January before it all changed. My initial description for it was the likes of the earth’s axis shifting. Although extreme, that doesn’t even describe what was beginning to happen. For me, I noticed that I just wasn’t feeling well (note: I don’t get sick often. Up until January, it had been years since I had a common cold.). Everything in my body was just off. I had flu like symptoms that were awful, and on top of that, I was extremely emotional. I could not put my finger on why. It was like my physical and emotional body was trying to “warn” me about something. Maybe a better word is “preparing” me for something. But, at the time, I just could not pin point what that was.

By the time we got to February, the table was starting to shake. If you have a business, or visibility to the financial reports of the company you work for, you probably saw a negative impact to the profits. You may have even experienced random, yet elaborate, personal expenses popping up that impacted your finances at home. It was certainly proving to be the most weird and rockiest start to a year that I have ever witnessed. So… I meditated. prayed. and meditated again. I reached out to a friend of mine to engage in some talk time, and I remember asking her, “hey… does this year not seem “off” to you so far?” She responded with a hearty, “HELLLL YES!” and proceeded to tell me about the many weird things that had been happening to her since the new year. Eerie, right? I was oblivious to anyone else’s plight throughout it all, only to find out that it wasn’t just me?!?! So… I began to call my folks and ask, how they were. Low and behold, one call after another was filled with something… frustration, sadness, death, anger, loss of work- or work-related issues, heartache, familial issues, illness, financial rifts, etc. That’s when the lightbulb popped on. I went into MYspace and meditated again. This time with the intention of being shown what was really happening. It was becoming crystal clear that it wasn’t as surface as I had assumed in the previous month.

Then, March rolled in with the Coronavirus on its back, and boyyy did shit hit the fan fast. From instant causalities to record breaking deaths spreading across the sea. Illness covered every inch of the world, some mild and some extremely severe. Let’s make a note here that I believe all illness rose to the surface. Not only did large portions of people contract the virus, but those with pre-existing medical conditions, and subtle mental illness experienced some form of complications with those (whether mild or severe). The country was in a state of emergency. So much so, we were all ordered to stay home to flatten the curve. This is where the socially-deprived psychosis began to form. The longer people felt forced to stay at home, the more their behavior became erratic. The number of posts made a day on social media by any one individual increased significantly. The arguing and debating over posts increased. Half nude photos being posted increased, yet, the masses grew more and more frustrated each day. It was a challenge for most to become still. The narrative became more about our constitutional rights, than our love for humanity and our desire to maximize life. Groups of people and organizations formed to demand to have their freedom back and then… The untimely demise of George Floyd occurred, ushering in a national spotlight on the many assassinations of black & brown people at the hands of the very government entity that swore to “protect” us. The country was in a complete uproar. Riots, looting, and protest ensued across the world. This was our breaking point. We are tired of being tired, so action is here to bring about change; not just any change, but concrete, tangible change. Much more than just a handshake and a promise.

That brings us to today where we are still engulfed in a virus ridden, and protest-filled world. The world is smothered in anger and disbelief. Energetically… we are teetering back and forth between darkness and light, trying to find balance. We are being challenged intensely spiritually as well, because I KNOW that, all realms are in sync. It matters not whether we are physically on earth, or in the spiritual world void of our physical bodies. Occurrences must occur on both planes because there is NO separation.

What I know for sure is… due to the many moving parts that I expressed above, the mind, body, and spirit are all being challenged right now. We are being presented with a CHOICE. The question is, what do we want as individuals AND as a collective? Ask yourself… “What do I want?” The window of opportunity is open, and we must decide. Do you want to change your life and your future? What does your heart desire? Are you in a job that you hate? Do you want to mend your relationships (with your parents, children, spouse, friends, etc.)? Do you want to stabilize your finances? This is it! Make the decision, THEN, implement strategies to enforce the change that you want. What we cannot do is continue to say that we “want” something different, yet still engage in behavior and activity that is in direct contrast with that in which we desire.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. For instance, is it a coincidence that we fell into a new century that has dismantled the false truths that this world was once built on? Nah, I don’t think so. I do believe that we want to hold on to the truths that we have “constructed” in our minds so badly, that we will fight tooth and nail to keep them there… With that said, it is extremely heartbreaking to watch the psychosis that is settling in. There is a significant amount of human beings who are in mental agony right now. Some have lost touch with reality completely; and while others may be having more of a subtle response, it is still mental distortion nonetheless. I am very familiar with the mind, what it does, and how it responds to certain scenarios. When you have been forced into a situation that you cannot control, one of two things will happen:

  1. You will lose your mind… First, your mind will shift to cruise control. That means you are no longer the “driver”. Your actions will become “automatic”; less thought – more doing. You may very well know that you are participating in behavior that can be destructive and disastrous to you (and/or your family) … BUT you do it anyway. Until you crash the car – arriving at a point where that same destructive/disastrous behavior has caused you harm (i.e. physical, mental, emotional, and/or spiritual harm).
  2. You will gain your mind… becoming conscious of your thoughts and belief systems, and which of those are yours versus what you learned from others. Consciousness will also show you the world, in clarity, for what it really is. It allows you to detach from behavior and ideologies that are fear based, and certainly not for your greater good. Consciousness is not a cult. It is the state of being FULLY aware … A concept that allows the Divine Presence to infuse with your spirit and move through you.

So, what do you choose? Are you bold enough to live in a state of awareness and in your true authenticity? Are you willing to care less about what others think of you, your career, your goals, or your relationship? If you can say yes to those questions, you are ready to walk the path to true happiness. No thing is for nothing. All the chaos, destruction, and illness are making way for better and brighter days. The century’s end has brought forth a true rebirth. It has shown humanity the detriment of its ways and shook the very ground that we walk on to force anew. My advice is, embrace it. Besides, change is here whether we like it or not.

 

With love always,

Tina Marie

The “D” Word

By T. Marie on June 24, 2019

Divorce is probably one of the most feared words for both men + women. But… it shouldn’t be. Here are a few reasons why:

  • There are tons of factors that can influence the decision to permanently dissolve a marriage. As disheartening as it may seem, there are a tremendous amount of people who enter marriage knowing that they have chosen the wrong spouse and proceed anyway. What this means is, they proceeded with the wedding knowing that there was an innate tingling in their gut telling them that they should probably think twice about moving forward. They stay, mostly for some reason or another (whether that is to save face, financial benefits, the children, etc.). I know for sure that it is actually quite tough to sit with yourself and own 𝗬𝗢𝗨𝗥 decision in selecting the person that you did, but it is also imperative to do. I’m not saying that you should scream it from the mountain tops or express your faults to the world of social media (as a matter of fact, I encourage you not to go that route). However, it is important that you look in the mirror and accept your role in it all, forgive yourself, set a different expectation of yourself, and move forward. All is well {be gentle with yourself}. Even though it may seem like the end of the world, it really isn’t. It is a chance to start fresh though. Evaluate yourself, your decisions, and act upon your own healing before seeking another partner.
    All is not lost. I promise.
  • Everyone is not meant for every one. We also witness quite a bit of people just trying to get with any and everybody {even if that means imposing on someone else’s household}. Not only is this exhausting, but it is the quickest route to self-destruction. Relationships really are a 𝘀𝗽𝗶𝗿𝗶𝘁𝘂𝗮𝗹 endeavor. We fall into deep confusion when we ignore that small little fact (which is frequently these days). There is a thing called a natural attraction. So, that pulling, that immediate magic and attachment, that 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸𝘪𝘯𝘨 when you’ve met “the one”, is all a part of a deeper understanding that you may not necessarily be conscious of in the moment. Furthermore, it is possible for two people to just not mesh with one another. And again, that’s perfectly fine.
  • Knowing and understanding yourself and your purpose in life can also coincide with the beginning + ending of a union. In some cases, it may not have been meant for one partner to walk the rest of your life with you. Maybe {just maybe}, that person was meant to get you to a specific point of growth and that’s all. Mission complete. And, the next phase of your journey may be continued with someone else. When you understand your path, you won’t be so quick to judge yourself for dissolving your marriage, or even your partner for that matter.

Many individuals struggle with comprehending divorce because they associate the word with failure. Marriage is a huge goal, especially for a lot of women, so when it doesn’t work out it’s a blow to the ego. To add to the struggle, I believe that another reason why more people aren’t even getting married is because they fear divorce. There is a tremendous amount of people who meet their life partner the first go around, and there are some who do not. The highlight, though, is always shined upon the latter. Since that is all that we see, along with the disdain that the public attaches to it, it is understandable that we fear that the most. In the pursuit of a happy relationship, the most important goal is to ensure that it is rooted in love and good intentions. If it is, you will never have to worry about making a bad decision because your heart + mind was clear of all superficial intent from the start. However, when it is not, try not to judge yourself too harshly and be the first to admit your fault in it. It will help with digesting it a bit, and changing your course moving forward.

Remember, life is about choices, so choose wisely… Until next time…

Unconditionally,

T. Marie

The Era of the Female

By T. Marie on May 10, 2017

There is no doubt that we are living in the Era of the Female. With all that is occurring in today’s society, the female is needed to restore balance. Just look at all that we are doing; holding down careers that were typically held by men, creating TV shows and producing movies, writing books, creating our own clothing lines, motivating others, and doing it all with time to spare to get home, make dinner, and take care of our children. Isn’t it amazing? Aren’t WE amazing?!? The masters of multi-tasking, the creators of the world… WE ARE EXTRAORDINARY beings! But, this evolution has come with positive and negative polarities that we must address.

In evolving as women, some have gotten lost in what that means. So, as a result, they have taken on the ‘feminist’ as meaning a replacement for the men. And with that, the mentality of “anything you can do I can do better” has arisen. We have embraced the responsibilities of being the mother and the father in the home. Some women are now preferring to be the provider and the bread winner while the man stays home with the kids. In some cases, the men are blatantly being disrespected even when they have done nothing to warrant that behavior. We are now courting men to date, and proposing the marriages. Climbing over one another to get to a man, who ends up dating multiple women at the same time anyway (because this negative polarity poses that option). Instead of holding tight to the positive polarities, we have embraced the negative as well. Operating in this way is completely changing the dynamic of how men and women relate and that piece of it must change…

For this reason:

As ever evolving women, we seek and require “more” when we evolve. So, with such, we want the stable relationships, the marriage, the nurturing household, the life partner, the finances, and the funnnnn that should come along with it. But, we can’t achieve that if the men feel that they have no place in the home. If they can’t feel that they are providing how they think they should, OR feel that they have no say so in the upbringing of the children, OR feel that they don’t even possess the power to propose anymore, then they will not ‘show up’ when we feel we need them. We MUST restore balance in that aspect! We can step into our light (fully), and be our ever evolving selves WHILE letting men step into their light and do the same! We are completely different beings, which is how we can come together in a relationship and bring two complete wholes who offer different qualities. There is no need to try to step on one another’s toes. There is no need to continually hurt one another, whether that is through words or actions. There is no need for competition. We are both needed to expand on Earth.

Ladies, we are here to push the world forward! Men cannot carry babies and give birth to them. They cannot provide the nurturing environment that we can, nor can they heal the world like we can. And there is POWER in that alone! Embrace your qualities as a woman, and we can do so while evolving with all of our positive polarities as well. We have become so hardened that we don’t even realize what we are ultimately doing to society. The world follows our lead, and because this is so, we continually set the tone for how relationships go. Everything that a man is doing he is doing because of a woman (good or bad). If we set the standard, they will follow to appease. However, it also works in reverse; if we have no standards, they will run rampant.

Part of the reason that we are the way we are is because we feel that it is the only way to gain respect when that is not true. Being who we are, naturally, will bring just that. I understand that many moons ago, women were not respected for being who they were, but now as times are changing, that is changing as well. You ARE more than enough just being you. Assert your feminine power and let’s heal the world…

~XO

Reciprocity… Or The lack Thereof

By T. Marie on April 13, 2017

SUMMARY

Reciprocity. Ahhh… This word is one of my faves. Why? Because, that’s truly all that we ever want, right? Think about your life, and all of the things that have ever made you angry. Now think about the root cause of that anger; the issue may lie in someone not doing something that you thought they should regardless of what that may have been. In all of our human relations that is essentially what we look for. Mostly because of what we give out.

When you pour into other people soooooo much, you expect to be filled up in return. When you are unrealistically loyal to others, even more so than what you are to yourself, you expect them to be loyal back. When you extend your trust, you expect to be trusted as well. When you uplift others, you expect them to uplift you. When you support others, you expect them to support you. When you celebrate others, you expect them to celebrate you. Are you following? It is absolutely natural to have that expectation because… ultimately, no one wants to feel used. No one wants to exhaust all of their energy making others feel good (in whatever way that may be), only to never receive that feeling in return.

Think about all of the old sayings:

What you send out comes back.

You reap what you sow.

You get what you give out.

What you see in others exist in YOU.

Do not judge or you will be judged.

Give love, and love will come back to you.

Whether you want to believe it or not, all of those ancient sayings are brought about through the universal law of cause and effect. AND, how we relate to others and what we feel we receive or not receive operates on the exact same wavelength as that law. (click the “ANALYSIS” tab to continue reading)

ANALYSIS

This is why the need to reciprocate is so important in relationships! Not giving such will leave one part of the unit feeling sad, disappointed, and empty which is the exact opposite of what a relationship should be… Especially a functional one. And… there is nothing that seems too “simple” or to “elaborate” when it comes to reciprocation. It could be something as simple as buying flowers for your wife to show appreciation for her hard work around the house. Or, something as elaborate as a friend helping you with your taxes throughout the year and several years later when that friend opens a business to do just that, you invest in it.

Let’s explore the behavior that begins to show up in your relationships when you don’t feel like you are getting back what you are giving out.

  • Anger: YES… anger. Because, when you feel like you are not getting what you need, that’s what you become, right?!? And rightfully so, since you are not showing up for YOURSELF (i.e. getting what you need from your relationship).

 

  • Irritation: Your family, friends, significant other, children, etc. can’t seem to understand it when you become moody. Meaning, you don’t really want to be bothered. You appear to be snappy at the slightest things. You just don’t…feel…like…entertaining…humans. 

 

  • Seclusion: You don’t really like feeling angry and irritated all the time either, and you do notice that this is occurring. So, naturally, you start to seclude yourself. From all of those who you feel don’t appreciate you… your friendship… your companionship… your work… your help for gods sake, or what you bring to the table. And just to be clear, seclusion doesn’t necessarily have to be hiding in your home. It could be shortened conversations, distance, or anything that allows you to mentality retreat and receive a sense of peace.

 

(click the “RESOLUTION THRU HEALING” tab to continue reading)

RESOLUTION THRU HEALING

Whew! This one will be short and sweet because it is so crystal clear on what we need to do.

We are at a point in universal evolution where this cycle must END! You can’t be any good to yourself if you are overexerting yourself in your relationships. It feels good to say I’m a loyal person, doesn’t it? It feels good to say I support everyone and their businesses, right? It feels good to say when people call on me I am there. But what doesn’t feel good is the lack thereof that you receive in return.

Sooo… just stop it… STOP IT! Yes, those are great qualities to possess and there is no harm in giving them out, BUT, give them to the right people! Everyone isn’t here for you. Everyone isn’t here to support you. And that’s quite alright as well. In the essence of individual journeys, you can’t control who do and don’t show up for you. So SHOW UP for your damn self! Make the decision to do so. We have to stop with putting everyone else’s needs and wants before our own. If you are not getting back what you are giving out, remove yourself from the equation. PERIOD. Don’t keep holding on to hope, the hope that people will change and start to reciprocate your actions because that’s not necessarily true. People change when they want that change for themselves, NOT FOR OTHERS.

So keep your energy… Spread it out to those who are deserving and trust me when you do, those individuals will give it back to you.

The Victim vs. The Villain

By T. Marie on April 11, 2017

SUMMARY

What is the role of the victim and the villain? Can there truly ever be such a thing? What I mean by that is when you are within a relationship with someone, there is this litttttttle thing called accountability that is bestowed upon each and every one of us.

Now, I know you are probably saying, wait a minute, I didn’t choose to be cheated on, or I didn’t choose to be lied to etc… But I’m pretty sure the person that you are/were dealing with showed some signs of cheating when you were dating (i.e. not answering the phone after a certain time, appearing to be on guard when they were with you). And… I’m pretty sure they showed some dishonest ways during the dating phase (i.e. lying about stupid shit like why they didn’t answer the phone, or their whereabouts).
Of course, the accountability factor is probably the hardest thing to accept in relationships. So, let’s explore an example to get a clear picture of where this lies, then, we will dive into some analysis, and explore possible resolutions.
Let’s take this Tiny and T.I situation that is occurring right now. Just to recap (and this will be a very brief recap because I do not want us to get caught up in the negatives of the situation), per the media, T.I has on multiple occasions been caught cheating on Tiny (one of which resulted in a baby per the media). Tiny on the other hand was said to have been carrying on a special friendship with Floyd Mayweather Jr. (who is a professional boxer for those of you who may not know this tid bit of information). Sometime in 2014, T.I and Floyd were said to have had a brawl in Vegas, following Tiny attending one of his fights and a cookout the next day. There were many disrespectful words hurled, including Floyd screaming to T.I. “control your b*tch”. Ok, so that happened. I suppose T.I and Tiny done what people do in relationships and discussed it and moved forward. Now… fast forward to late 2016, Tiny and Floyd were captured on video having a dance at some sort of a Halloween party. The video hit the internet and all hell broke loose. Not just from the fans, but from T.I and Tiny as well. From there, it has escalated to be one of the ugliest public break ups in history. Tiny was quoted stating, “When a woman’s fed up… For years I’ve been the one getting hurt, but now that a lil video done surfaced with me having a friendly dance, he’s mad?? Why? Yes, he’s my husband but damn can I not have a male friend?! T.I can’t be the only male friend I associate myself with just like I know I ain’t the only Female he associate himself with so… It is what it is…” (click the “ANALYSIS” tab to continue reading)

ANALYSIS

Now, there is plenty to be discussed here. The first being the root cause of the issue. Tiny, who clearly has felt that she has been done wrong again and again in the past, is clearly hurt from T.I’s actions. Through dealing with such, she more than likely developed the mentality of why is what’s good for the goose not good for the gander? This is an analogy that basically states, what is good for a man is equally good for a woman; or, what a man can have or do, so can a woman have or do. So, if he has female friends, why can’t I have male friends? Which is a valid question! And, in dealing with such there should be balance in the relationship. When it comes to friends of the opposite sex, there is no harm in having them. The harm comes in when those friends turn into other things such as sex partners, baby mamas, baby daddy’s, etc. Be an adult about the friendship meaning, no bashing your spouse to your “friend”, no sexually provocative conversations, no crossing any lines PERIOD. Once you do, there is sand that you quickly sink into that can ultimately cost you your relationship/marriage. But, as far as having friends of the opposite sex, there is absolutely no harm in that.
T.I, on the other hand, also feels hurt behind the situation and a bit disrespected too. The masculine energy can bring a bit of possessiveness which translates to, they do not want any other male to be intimate in any way, shape, or fashion with their woman. And whether we want to believe it or not, dancing IS indeed intimate. Now that the video has hit the public, and been seen by pretty much millions of people, he is embarrassed. Embarrassed that just a couple of years ago, he was fighting this man over his wife, only for her to turn around and be caught dancing with him. His feelings are very valid as well, and should not be ignored when assessing the facts here.(click the “RESOLUTION THRU HEALING” tab to continue reading)

RESOLUTION THRU HEALING

We are ultimately dealing with two hurt people here. Either of which can be portrayed as the “victim” or the “villain”, it just depends on whose perception is being applied. Both of them have very valid feelings and concerns. However, anytime something as personal as this plays out in the public eye, it never ends well. Mostly because the ego comes into play, and no one wants to feel like the dumbass of the situation. Meaning, oh she took him back after he cheated she’s dumb, or, oh he’s crazy for going back to her after she danced with his enemy. But to be honest, if the relationship is worth overcoming that and healing, then so be it. That brings us back to the root word… ACCOUNTABILITY. Both parties are accountable for what is occurring right now… both parties are accountable for hurting one another. This issue is one that should have been addressed within their home. One that would require many tears and frustration, but could have ended much better. The hurt has to be healed, that is the only way to get back to some sort of normalcy. Anytime a relationship has been around for 20 years, you are going to have some stories to tell BECAUSE we are dealing with people AND people are not perfect. So, what happens? You go through things, and you grow through things. The most important key is communication. Both parties have to be open to RECEIVING what their partner has to say. Whether that is the explanation of how your actions made them feel, or their frustration with you and your decisions in that moment. No one reserves the right to tell you how you feel. NO ONE. So if something hurts you, say that. If something made you angry, say that! Your feelings cannot be explained by another being. You are entitled to them, and they are specific to you. Embrace them and pay attention to them. If you ignore something that bothers you, it will only fester and grow bigger. There is no victim or villain in relationships so please, let’s stop portraying such. Life is about decisions. Every decision that you make, impacts your future. The decision can either yield a reward or a consequence, you choose, but one will be reaped. The same applies when staying after you feel that you have been done wrong. If you make the decision to stay, you can no longer cry as the victim. You CHOSE to stay. Simple. You could have left and moved on with your life, but you didn’t. Take control of your decisions. It doesn’t have to be this complicated, but unfortunately, going through such hurtful things helps us grow and sometimes that’s the option that we always choose.

Everything in life is about relationships. From our loveships, to friendships, to workship, to financeship. Take the time to ponder how you are relating in life. It means everything, but costs you nothing.

T. Marie

Quote of the Day

#RelationshipGoals

By T. Marie on January 18, 2017

In light of Obama’s farewell address and the LIFE that we got from it, I think it’s only proper that I take a moment to highlight his marriage and relationship. Barack and Michelle appear to embody the characteristics that every.single.woman wants in their relationship/marriage. They seem to love one another unconditionally, while having fun and making power moves together. The public affection that he shows her is something that a lot of women crave from their men. The fact that he publicly shows appreciation for her and acknowledges her contribution to his life, both personally and professionally, is commendable (again, something that most women want). Their relationship to the public eye is healthy and functional, and is indeed everything that we would want a relationship to possess today. Yes, there may be a valid argument that this is the Chief of Command, so there is almost a duty there to do such things in the public eye. But, in my opinion, this appears to be a genuine connection. However…

… let’s discuss how they may have gotten to that point. We see Barack and Michelle today, at 55 and 52 years old, with their shit together with relating and what not. According to news article, they have a 20 (+/-) year relationship. Yes, 20 YEARS! That’s 20 YEARS to conquer issues… 20 YEARS of working on bettering SELF… 20 YEARS of disagreeing at some point…. 20 YEARS of working through those disagreements… 20 YEARS of growth… 20 YEARS which may have included some struggle (financially) or otherwise when trying to accomplish what they have today (because I’m sure it wasn’t easy). Bottom line, I’m positive that the cohesiveness of their relationship did not happen overnight. Hell, realistically, I know plenty of people, including in my own family who have been married much longer. My parents have been married roughly 40 years, and they can attest to the trials and tribulations that may have shown its face at such young ages, that they had to grow through (emphasis on GROW). WE have to grow through some of the trivial issues to get to the point of where we see the POTUS & FLOTUS at today. I say “trivial” because some things may appear to be so small, yet, they turn out to be biggggg issues. Some may take a years of self-work, and couples work to get through. However, it is possible! Remember the YEARS that we talked about above?

So, how can we expect overnight perfection? All of the post and statuses acknowledging their relationship and how it’s what women want, but no one wants to put in the time, effort, or work to get there?

Nothing is perfect, or even comes close to it without doing the work.

Even in our day jobs, you don’t get promoted for sitting on your ass, do you? You don’t just “become” a doctor without studying medicine, do you? All of it takes work and the same goes for your relationship! So… find someone that you genuinely love and care for, and be patient… work through your issues, grow through your immaturities, suppress your ego, love unconditionally, appreciate the good times and heal from the bad, so that one day you too can wake up and realize that you are living in the bliss that you once hoped for. But be realistic with yourself. If this is what you want, you can get it, but no one can wave a magic wand and give it to you. Put in what you would like to get out. 20 relationships in 20 years may not get you there OR 1 stagnant relationship in 20 years. The want and need to grow together have to be mutual for both parties. Are you ready to do the work?

It’s Just A Paper…

By T. Marie on November 22, 2016

Soooo… when are y’all getting married? That’s probably THEE most annoying question that you can ever ask a person… Especially one that is in a serious relationship. Not that every woman doesn’t dream of their wedding day, because we do, but seriously, we don’t want to be hounded about it either.

Furthermore, marriage is about a lot more than the party and the paper. The marriage should happen inside first before you present it to the outside world. To be married to your partner means to be of one heart and one mind. No, I don’t mean that you can’t have an individual thought, but I want you to dig deeper. Marriage is essentially combining the family and life of two people to one. That same principle applies to your heart and mind. You and your partner should operate with the same goal in mind, you should love your partner just as much as they do you, you should want to see your household thrive just as your partner should etc. It’s not about you, it’s not about him, but about y’all and what the both of you want. Make sense? Both of you, individually, must go through your own growth and healing processes from whatever baggage that you may be carrying prior to attempting a marriage. The goal of being married is to be synced in every aspect of your life, that’s the beauty of it. The union should magnify the strength of your household and your bond.

With that said, the paper means absolutely nothing. In western society, the paper allows you to have joint debt, but that’s about it. And of course, everyone loves the party, right? The wedding, in my opinion, gives a couple the opportunity to celebrate and rejoice over the union (that happened well before the wedding) with family and friends. I absolutely loveeeeeee the idea of weddings! So much so that I could look at wedding pictures of strangers all day and feel the same sense of joy that I would if I were viewing pictures of close friends and family. I mean, let’s be real, what woman doesn’t want to spend months planning the biggest party of her life? What woman doesn’t want to spend countless hours trying on beautiful wedding gowns, adorned with trains and veils that make her feel like a princess? What woman doesn’t want one day where she just feels like it’s all about her and her happiness? (… and her husbands too *side eye*). Yes, there is joy in that moment, and lots of it! But let’s not get confused, there are too many people who get married these days just for the wedding. Some even display such dislike for one another that I question why they would ever be getting married in the first place? Far too often, we have the perception that once we get married things will change… HE will change. No no no, that’s not true. The person that you entered a relationship with is the same person that you marry. Marriage doesn’t change personality flaws, infidelity or any other issues that are lying beneath the surface in the relationship. That’s not how it works ladies. The expectation that it will is where we often go wrong. For example, if a man is verbally abusing you, and he hasn’t taken any steps toward healing that aspect of himself, he’s still going to do so after the wedding. So… back to the point of the “marriage” happening before the wedding. As lifelong partners, you must be aligned: one heart, one mind, one life, and one family. However, in the back of our minds we still hear that question ringing ever so loudly in our ears… “Sooo… when are you getting married?” And in that instance, we start to question our whole life! We think… omg, it IS time for me to get married. When is it going to happen? I’m getting old, I can’t wait forever! Where is my Prince Charming, he needs to hurry! Wait… he can’t be broke though. Maybe he’s somewhere prepping himself for marriage too? Maybe he’s already married and need to get a divorce *side eye*. The 22 questions that we begin to ask ourselves forces us to start to put wayyyyy too much emphasis on the wedding, and not enough on the marriage. Due to such, we ultimately jump the gun, right? We meet a man (or three) … feel like they are the right one because you know, he’s cute, right?! He treats you nice, he has a job AND his own car! Bang, you found him this time! But focusing on those trivial things causes you to lose sight of your hearts TRUE desires. Like… what do you really want (beneath the surface)? What type of man do you need to help you thrive as a person? Who do you want to wake up to every morning? Does he flush the toilet when he goes to the restroom? *insert sarcasm* but all the important things, the questions that need answered, the desires that you ignore, go unnoticed because you are focused on… well… getting married (the wedding). I’m sure if I pulled some statistics, the divorce rate of our generation would be through the roof which it’s easy to do when you didn’t get married for the right reasons in the first place. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a wedding, but the marriage… the marriage happens under God, and does so well before you ever get to the alter. At least it should…

My hope is that at some point we, as women, realize that… marriage takes time. Be patient with yourself and your partner. The process of joining two hearts and minds into one is not an overnight task. Even if you meet a man who seems to be in sync with all your hearts desires, be patient. There are men out here who love to prey on and manipulate women. I know I’ve said it a thousand times already but patience really is key. Good things come to those who wait and if you allow yourself the time to find what you truly want and need, it will be well worth it in the end.

Love Is…

By T. Marie on September 30, 2016

What is LOVE? And I’m not talking about the textbook definition, but what does LOVE mean to YOU? How does it feel? What does it look like? I, as well as many of you I’m sure, have heard (and seen) the fairytale stories. The one where a prince falls from what seems to be the sky, does everything so perfectly and proposes (in the most romantic way) at the end of the first date and the princess falls head over hills in love with him. Now… I’m not saying that this story is impossible, as a matter of fact, I hope that it is for someone out there. But, the way my life is set up, I have yet to see it…

See, I live in a world where humans reside. Yes, humans… Humans who are not perfect. Humans who make worldly mistakes based off the situations that they are put in (which I have also been a victim of once or twice). Humans who are just being… well… humans, and humans may make a mistake or two here and there. I know we hate to admit it, but just because your partner may phuck up a time or two doesn’t mean that they don’t love you. Yes, that means, if a man cheats on you it doesn’t necessarily mean that he doesn’t love you. But before we go there, define it, what does LOVE look like to you? Does love look like loyalty? Does it mean being financially stable within the relationship? Does it mean having great, passionate sex every time you have an encounter? Does it mean having long, intellectual conversations in the middle of the night, or falling asleep discussing the latest novel or politics? Does it mean connecting emotionally to a man who will cry when you cry or feel what you feel? Does it mean a man who is willing to marry you within 90 days? I want you to think long and hard about this one because it will be the driving force of your relationship and its longevity. I know all of you ladies are screaming, “HELL, love means ALL OF THE ABOVE to me girl!” But don’t jump ahead just yet, ponder each of the examples above and make sure you realllllllly understand that each scenario has a downside. Let’s review below:

o   Does love look like loyalty? Well hell, what does loyalty look like? Especially when it comes to men. A man that provides for you and ensures that your well-being is good can be considered loyal… That don’t mean his ass won’t cheat. *side eye*

o   Does it mean being financially stable within the relationship? Again, What…The…Hell…Does…That…Mean? Financially stable to some may mean having savings that equal at least three-month’s worth of bills. Financially stable to someone else may mean having solid life savings and living a lavish life. Either way, both will require your partner to put in some work whether it’s in the office of someone else or his own. Doing so will take a large chunk of his time, which then means that he can’t be home with you all the time to partake in all the lovey dovey shit. So still, you will have to sacrifice something to fit your definition and needs, and what would that be?

o   Does it mean having great, passionate sex every time you have an encounter? Ahhh… Isn’t this ideal?!? Every woman wants this type of intimacy in their life. However, the reality is, great sex may very well come packaged in a broke man who has no drive or ambition. So let’s be real, I know there are a lot of women out there settling for this aspect alone… Calling it love and what have you, then crying when he needs your credit card {AGAIN} to pay his bills. Yea… that’s love. *side eye*

o   Does it mean having long, intellectual conversations in the middle of the night, or falling asleep discussing the latest novel or politics? These type of men can get the panties from WHO-EVA (including Oprah). Their knowledge and intellect easily paves the road right to a woman’s heart. Honestly, women tend to be a bit more intellectually advanced than men (sorry fellas), so there is nothing more desirable about a man who can keep up with a conversation. On the flipside, he has likely paved several roads to the hearts of many women (and shut a couple down for construction).

o   Does it mean connecting emotionally to a man who will cry when you cry or feel what you feel? I love a man who isn’t afraid to show his emotions. But, in some cases, he may very well be a bit more emotional than you. Nothing is wrong with that (if that’s what you want), just be sure of whatever that is. If he’s crying over your menstrual cramps, that may become a problem at some point.

o   Does it mean a man who is willing to marry you in 90 days?  Although true love can very well be possible and this scenario has a high chance of playing out. But I’m sorry, I’ve seen too many marriages crash and burn, and most are the ones who do it quickly. There is so much of the unknown in the world today that I’m not even comfortable saying that I’ve met your “real” mother in 90 days. Heck, you could have 15 kids or be in debt up to your ears with the IRS. How will I know in that timeframe? Just a question…

Often times, we approach our relationships with a perspective and expectation of our partner being perfect. He should be the one that sweeps us off our feet and make us fall in love immediately, right? Question… what if it doesn’t work out like that? What if he stumbles a couple of times along the way before he can give you that slipper and ask for your hand? What if his life is complicated at the moment, and he just doesn’t want to get you wrapped up in his mess, but he’s still digging you like you are him? What if he is trying to get his finances together before he pops the question? Does that mean he doesn’t love you? NO, it doesn’t! We were all taught, if not by our parents then through books and movies across the world, that we deserve that perfection. Not only were we told that we deserve it, but we were also told what that looks like without the consideration of the days and times that we are living in, our cultural beliefs, and lifestyles. It is important to know what love looks and feels like to YOU because it may be much different than what it looks and feels like for someone else. Also be aware of when that “someone else” is attempting to tell you how it “should” look. Whatever it looks like, it should be fulfilling to YOU. It doesn’t have to fulfill your mother, or your homegirls, or your co-workers. Regardless of what it is, I hope that it feels like something that you can’t live without. Be an individual with your actions and thoughts. Part of the issue with society today is that we often mimic what we see on television and think it is reality.  Television does one thing and that is sell something. Whether that is an image, or perception, or goods and services, you will ultimately buy in to what you see. Be mindful of what you visually consume as it will also shape your reality.

~GG

And The Winner Goes To…

By T. Marie on September 27, 2016

In the wake of what happens to be the sexiest video that I’ve seen in quite some time, I noticed that it also brought the envy out of some women. If your confused about which video I am speaking of, it is Kanye West’s “Fade” video, starring Teyana Taylor that made its worldwide debut on the 2016 VMAs. This work of art was filled with melanated skin, sexy dance moves that took us back to the original woman, and post baby curves that I’m sure every mother in the world would die for. This queen brought the noise to a library, encouraging EVERY woman to embrace the goddess within (while getting her ass in the gym to get her sexy back). But… (of course there is a but, right?) With every deserved praise there was also a level of jealousy and envy. You may be thinking, how can women praise her and be jealous of her at the same time? Although this CAN happen, those are not the individuals that I am talking about. I’m talking about the ones who sat back and watched the seemingly perfect performance and searched high and low for a way to tear her down.

Well, we all know that TT (yes, I nicknamed her) is engaged to Cleveland Cavaliers shooting guard, Iman Shumpert. Low and behold, one of Shumpert’s old flames came out the woods to let the world know that he cheated on TT, at some point, with her. Now let’s take a step back for a minute to recap the mentality of this woman, and so many others in today’s society…

In this particular instance and like so many others, some women hate to see another one happy. That means:

– If a female feels like you are flaunting your relationship to the world like it’s “perfect”, well, she’ll want to kill that image.

– If she feels like you have something that she DESERVES to have, she’ll try to take it.

– If she feels like you are a little tooooo happy in your relationship, she’ll figure out a way to make you unhappy.

All of this stems from jealousy. Jealousy is the #1 driver of this behavior and as I’ve said in so many previous blogs, it is at an all-time high amongst women. The side chic mentality is very seldom about the man, btw. As a matter of fact, more times than not, it is about the woman that he is with. If the main chic holds some sort of status, is financially sound, or is desirable physically, the side chic feels compelled to chase the man down, almost as if she is achieving some sort of accomplishment in trying to tear down the relationship at hand. Somehow, they have rationalized in their mind that they DESERVE everything that the main woman has. Although it sounds crazy, this thought process drives their every move. In TT’s case, the video topped off her seemingly perfect relationship, bringing the skeletons right on out of Shumpert’s closet and onto social media. However, in my opinion, Shumpert handled the incident quite well. He not only publicly apologized to his queen, but admitted to doing so privately as well. His statement was one that took ownership of his fault in the situation, and accepted the ridicule that came with it. The response (or lack thereof), killed the rumors before they could even get started.

Take away: Ladies, WE have to stop. Let’s take a moment to turn the mirror back on ourselves and reflect. If you have this mentality, what are you gaining from it? Although you may think that what you are doing is justified, it really isn’t, especially when karma is the principle that guides life as we know it.  What is meant for one is not necessarily meant for the next, and your means to happiness should not be at the destruction of someone else’s. I know there is plenty of women who have been cheated on and in turn vowed to be the woman that men cheat with. But, if this is the case, you have some healing to do internally. That means do what you need to do to rebuild your self-esteem and start again. It happens to the best of us, but belittling yourself and disrespecting someone else is not the way to fill that void. Who knows, maybe it isn’t a void at all… Maybe your fight is with the idea of staying relevant through sexcapades. Either way, there is an underlying issue and that issue is what needs to be exposed and resolved so that we can all progress as a people. The question is, are you willing to do the work?

~GG