To feel secure in your relationship means to trust… It’s as simple as that. When you trust your partner, you will not worry about what they are or could be doing to hurt you every moment of the day. You will cherish the good times instead of searching for the bad.
Insecurity, on the other hand, is a feeling of uncertainty. You may feel that the relationship is unstable, or you have no confidence in it. Ultimately, you do not trust your partner, and those feelings are causing you to doubt yourself and the relationship.
Let’s be real, everyone yearns for a secure relationship, right? If you think about it, what is the purpose in being in a relationship if there is worry, doubt, and a lack of trust? Those three combined equals a waste of time. You can overcome insecurities if you are realistic with yourself about where they are stemming from. For instance, for women: You may be comparing yourself (physically), to your partners ex. Or viewing women on television that he may compliment as being a lot more beautiful than you. You could also be carrying trust issues in your purse from your last relationship. Your ex was a liar and cheater, so what makes this man any different? For men: It normally boils down to financial insecurities. Men are blessed not to have to carry the burden of worrying about their physical appearance or beauty too much. But they will flex their wallet and material possessions in a heart beat. Men will normally date the ex of a guy that they may have felt had more than them (financially). For some reason, that experience makes them feel a sense of validation or accomplishment per se’. Like, “Oh, I am with Jay-Z’s ex girl.” The fact that they could pull Jigga’s ex makes them feel as if they are on his level. Those insecurities amongst men are personal, and very rarely show themselves in the relationship. Well… unless the woman cheats with a man who is a little more well off than her partner. Then he may begin to question himself.
I’ve observed the insecurity complaints from both parties (mostly from men stating the issue with their woman). How many times have you heard of a woman checking her man’s phone, going in his pockets, Facebook stalking him, or making accusations that she can’t even prove? It happens often, I can agree with that. But one thing that I never see happen is the recognition of the root of the problem. Why is that? We can complain all day, but until we can get to the root of the problem it will never be resolved.
So let’s look at a couple of influencers…
Circumstances that can bring about insecurities:
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CHEATING – Yes fellas… When you cheat on your woman and she finds out, you breach the trust contract that you probably didn’t know you signed. Women have a tendency of sizing themselves up to the woman you cheated with. Is she thinner? Or hell, thicker? Curvier? Prettier? Etc. Cheating makes some women feel like THEY must be lacking something if you stepped out. Resolution: Ladies, 7 times out of 10, if a man cheats, it doesn’t have absolutely anything to do with you! Don’t blame yourselves! Men are physical creatures and operate initially off sight. Their animalistic nature makes them want to chase and conquer whenever they see something that catches their eye. Not to mention, they are not emotional creatures like we are. Having sex for them is purely physical and fun. It definitely doesn’t mean that they love the person or even want to be with them. Some men are disciplined enough not to indulge in this behavior, but not all. If it happens and it bothers you, leave. Don’t internalize a man’s reasoning for those actions because they are just that… HIS actions! Now there is a flipside, if you are a woman that tends to argue or complain a lot… then yes… there is a possibility that your man may be cheating in an attempt to replace you.
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LYING – Hard to believe, right?!? *insert sarcasm* Telling a ton of white lies will lead to your woman not trusting you at all, and vice versa. Especially when you constantly get caught in those lies. Some men lie to avoid the argument or conversation that may come afterward… Resolution: Tell the damn truth and deal with whatever mouth you are going to get upfront. At least you will still have her trust. I know men think that women “can’t handle” the truth. But as a woman, I personally would take honesty any day over a lie. Yes, it may be something that could hurt my feelings, but I would rather deal with those feelings in the moment instead of dealing with a festering lie. We have to learn how to be a bit more honest with each other. Period.
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FLIRTING – Men, what I mean by flirting is, if you are giving compliments to other women in front of your woman. Or looking at Nicki Minaj on television, and telling your woman how bad she is. Yet, you don’t give your own woman a single compliment. Not even a, “You look nice today bae!” or “That haircut is really fly on you, I like it.” So what inadvertently happens is, the more you compliment other women, the more your woman begins to question herself. There isn’t many women who will admit this, but it does happen. Resolution: Compliment your own partner sometimes! It could be something as simple as her cooking, or her hair, clothes, the way she smells, etc. It never hurts to give a compliment. Especially when we give them to others so freely.
Whatever the cause, just know that insecurities normally stem from something… they can also be much more deep rooted and trail back to childhood or teenage years. But, they can be healed! Bashing the person with them is not the way, and will do more harm than good. If you are the person with insecurities, make the decision not to give them a home. There are many outlets that can help you overcome them if you don’t feel that you can do so by yourself like: therapy, counseling, energy healing, etc. You’ll be surprised at how powerful the impact of that decision can be on your life.
T. Mariē