The #1 Reason Why The “Perfect” Relationship Just Doesn’t Exist

By T. Marie on January 19, 2016

We are all in pursuit of that perfect love, right? By perfect, I mean that cookie cutter situation. That love that fits right into the parameters that we always expected. The fulfillment of that long ass laundry list that we created in years prior of everything that we “need/want” for that love to work for us when it comes along. There’s only one problem… That’s really not the way that shit works.

If we look at the way nature works, everything changes. Nothing ever remains the same, it’s naturally unheard of. We have four seasons in a year. In those seasons, the weather changes drastically, flowers either bloom or die, leaves grow or fall, and soil is either fertile or not. The same is applied to the business world. There are four quarters in a fiscal year. You could have a horrible quarter where your business takes several losses, and turn around and thrive in the next…. Same with college; with each semester comes different challenges. The amount of work and dedication that you put in determines whether or not you will be successful. Well, relationships are no different. I know we like to hold them to different standards, but it really doesn’t work that way.

 A realationship can go a long stint while maintaining unconditional love and effectiveness, and hit that one bump in the road that can make things rocky. Thatbump can come from either one, or both parties becoming comfortable with their situnation. When you get to this point, you can experience one or more of the symptoms below:

  1. There is no effort to date anymore. The relationship becomes boring and routine.

  2. You spend most of your time apart; either at work, or hanging with your friends… Pretty much anywhere BUT with your spouse.

  3. Meals are no longer being cooked.

  4. The house is no longer being cleaned.

  5. The tone in which you speak to one another has become somewhat… RECKLESS.

  6. Paying more attention to your phone (text messages, email, and social media) than you do your partner.

These patterns may be noticed by one or both parties, and quite frankly, they have the potential to change the dynamic of the relationship. Someone is going to start feeling lonely and unwanted. Someone is going to get jealous. Someone is going to deem these actions unacceptable, and is willing to throw it all away to escape the madness.

 The interesting part about it is, the shit will happen in every single relationship that you find yourself in! The only thing that may change is the timeline in which it occurs; some may experience it before even being a year in, while others don’t go through it until 10 years down the line. So yes, you can leave and chase the next best thing, but then how will you handle the bumps with that person? And hell, a new situation may come with even more bumps than that last.

 I know it sounds rather discouraging, but the difference between a successful and an unsuccessful relationship is how you deal with those rocky moments. When they come, because they will, what are you and your partner willing to do to get through them? This ushers effective communication back into the picture (which we talk about often), because both people will need to be open and receptive to having the hard talks, and figuring out what is needed to heal the union and move forward. Those are challenges that you just can’t escape. So, when your partners routine changes and you feel like you don’t know why, or you find yourself feeling neglected for one reason or another, start the conversations at that point. The longer you sit on it, the worse it will get, and before you know it, you’ve talked yourself into leaving instead of attempting to work through it.

 The bottom line is… Relationships are not exempt from the natural process of life just like everything else. You will have your rough seasons, and if you are in the right relationship, the great ones will trump the rough ones by far. The most important factor is:

  • How will you handle it?

  • Will you run from the thought of having a controversial issue or will you figure out a way to resolve it?

  • Is every point your breaking point? If so, you will never survive any relationship because none are exempt.

Before entering the one thing that may very well be the biggest challenge of your life, ask yourself:

Am I up for this?

It is hard work, but it is also rewarding if the work is done.

Reasons Why Women Everywhere Are Failing

By T. Marie on January 19, 2016

We have failed… We are not our sisters’ keeper. As a matter of fact, we are the complete opposite! We have become so savage, so much so that we are willing to bite, scratch, and pull out the hair of a sister… over a MAN. We are willing to throw bottles, use weapons, and demean ourselves, thinking that we are fighting for what’s “ours.” Ladies, look to your left and right at your sister, friend, or neighbor and tell her: Sis, we are FAILING!! When did we become so mean, degrading and negative to one another? It would be one thing to say it is getting better, but it has gotten progressively worse over the last 15-20 years.

The bigger question is, where does that hate come from? The shrewd comments that come pouring off our tongue like water when we see one another. The phone calls to our besties that normally go a little something like:

“Girllllll, did you see that she lost her job?”

“She is selling her stamps again?! Them poor kids ain’t never gone eat!”

“Hunteyyyy, did you hear that he was cheating on her and slept with the chic in her bed?” That’s what she get, she dumb!”

“Now she know that ain’t her azz. Ole SpongeBob square azz looking heaux!”

There is probably a couple of yall neck rolling like this isn’t you, right? WELL, if you are sizing up other women and deeming them inadequate (based off your own definition of course), then YOU ARE GUILTY! If you are preying on a woman because of who her man is… that means looking for ways to tear her down, digging up her past, searching for where she works etc., then YOU. ARE. GUILTY.

We aim at other women with a loaded gun, also known as our tongue. The tongue is a lethal weapon for sure! It can build you up or break you down, and who is better at using it than the woman? But it’s really mind boggling because most of the gossip and negativity is toward women that we barely know (if we know them at all). So why? What is it that causes us to barf up harmful words and comments toward people that are a mirror image of ourselves? I mean think about it… Even in the comforts of our home. When you are pillow talking, what is the first thing that you tell your man about? Some dumb shit that your friend done (never the good shit because that stuff is apparently not worth mentioning, right? *side eye*). Is your man ever laying up under you just randomly talking about his friends? Probably not. Yes, men may vent at times, but they definitely possess a different type of loyalty to one another than women, which is also why you see so many men sleeping with sisters and friends. It’s so easy for them to ease their way in and tear the friendships apart because deep down, they know where the weakness lie and that is in jealously, insecurities, envy, etc.

We have FAILED ladies! We don’t support one another… We don’t support our fellow sisters in business, personal growth, or anything for that matter. If you know a woman who is an entrepreneur, why not support her business? Instead, we look for ways to tear it down and figure out a way to become her competition. Everyone has their own unique strengths. Looking at someone profit off of their talent doesn’t mean that YOU can profit off THEIR talent. Find your own niche and put your energy into that. Maybe that same young lady can return the support. Furthermore, we all go through trials and troubles, and definitely with men. Why are we laughing at one another’s issues like we all haven’t experienced the same pain at some point?!?! Why can’t we be each other’s strength and offer advice where we may have had the same issue?

 Yes, yes… We have failed, but we haven’t lost the game yet. We can still succeed through conversation and reflection. Getting to the root of the problem will involve evolution amongst us and our thought process. Let’s start with…

Self-control… Ladies, we have to learn to control ourselves; that means our actions and words. As emotional creatures, we often act and speak before we think. The attack is deadly too… But having those emotional spasms also leads us to believe that all can be healed with a simple I’m sorry, when that may not be the case. Apologizing is great, and I recommend doing so, but it may not always be accepted by the other party. Self-control also means controlling our temper. So another woman’s words should not get up under our skin enough to force us to respond negatively, and even worse, return all the hateful energy back to her.

Self-reflection… I still think that the negativity that comes spewing out of our mouths like hot vomit, is a reflection of what we feel inside. Those deepest darkest fears and anxieties come creeping from the crevices of the darkest places, masking itself as self-protection. When you look at another women and think: “She’s a fat, ugly, non-dressing, whore who doesn’t deserve the air she is breathing, let alone a man!” Something in that statement is how you feel about yourself. We think that the judgment and hatred is protecting us… Shielding us from letting people see who we really are behind the make-up, the clothes, the body etc. What’s hiding in there? Heal that and it will become soooooo much easier to give compliments and positivity.

 Have you ever seen the infinity symbol (∞)? The same symbol is used to represent karma, meaning what you give out will come back to you. It’s an endless cycle; this is why it’s soooo important for us to put out good, positive energy. Support others to get support, speak positive about others and people will speak positively about you… and so on. The bottom line is, we have to fix this. We will never get anywhere if we don’t even know how to be good girlfriends to each other. Hell, your man doesn’t want you cooped up under him all the time because you don’t have any “real” friends! QTNA: What’s the solution ladies? What can you do better personally that will help drive a permanent solution overall? Think about it… Small contributions can lead to big resolutions.

Solving The Case Of The Missing Vows

By T. Marie on January 19, 2016

Have you noticed that the amount of people who actually want to get married these days have decreased? Even people who are actually in relationships… Some are perfectly ok with staying right where they are, you know, without the marriage part. Let’s be clear, I am one who believes that the whole ceremony etc. is just to receive the paper. Marriage starts in your heart. Two people can fully commit to one another and be adjoined by the heart without the “ceremony” and still be considered married. It’s the belief and the actions that enforce it. The wedding, however, is the celebration of the union. The certificate makes it “legal” for political purposes, such as: assets, etc. If you ever split and you never actually got married, you run the risk of walking away with nothing. Which could suck if you and your partner built an empire together.

But let’s not stray… back to the topic at hand. Why is our generation running from the thought of it? Well, I have some ideas…

  • The Change… If you ask most men why they are opposed to marriage, they will state that women change after they say “I do.” Ladies do you agree? Think to yourself, did you slowly morph into someone else after you walked down the isle? Did your expectations change of your partner? For instance, when he was just your man, he could throw his underwear on the side of the bed after showering and you would gladly pick them up. But after the marriage, it’s an arguement because the clothes hamper is just five steps away? Whatever the situation may be, is it really fair to start requiring something different than we have allowed for all the time leading up to the marriage? Just think about it…

  • The Fairytale… Say you are one of the few that take the leap… Congrats, you made it!! Celebrate and celebrate again! But don’t stop working… Remember how much work it was to keep your relationship with your partner stable and solid? Well, that doesn’t stop after the marriage. We often have this skewed mindset that once we make it down the aisle, it’s over. Everything is rainbows and butterflies from there, right? WRONG! Everything that we do requires constant work, including our relationships. Think about if you got a promotion at work, and then just stopped working… how would that end… *side eye*

  • The Misconception… We all have friends/family who are or have been married, right? We also have some friends/family who married for the absolute wrong reasons! And then we have partners/friends/family watching those unions crash and burn and thinking… “See! This is the reason why I’m not getting married…” But WHY?! The journey is an individual one. If your foundation is solid and you can rest assure that your reasons behind taking the leap are legit… Then what are you affraid of? You absolutely cannot base your decision for not getting married off of another persons situation. Come on peeps… Now does that really make sense?

The bottom line is, marriage is a beautiful thing! It’s more that just a loveship… It’s a partnership in parenting, business, financial decision making, and all aspects of life. Furthermore, think about how many children in the AA community grow up in single parent homes. I personally grew up with both of my parents in the home (and married), and it benefited me and my siblings tremendously. At your kids sports events, how often do you see two AA parents there supporting? I know it happens, but how often? And at parent-teacher conferences? Outside of our selfish thought process that keeps us from saying “I do”… How does our decisions impact our children?

 When we open ourselves up and allow nature to take it’s course, everything will begin to fall into place. It’s natural to want love… to want to have a partner that you can share your life with… to want marriage. Fear and insecurities are the only factors that keep us from it, and those two things are created in the mind. Something has to give in our overall thought process. Every decision is for “the now”… But what about our future?

 I will be the first to say that it makes me uncomfortable to watch the interactions of this generation. Since it does bother me so, my mind is made up. I vow to be the change that I want to see. I promise to be rational with my thoughts and decisions, keeping in mind that we are all human and being so, we are not perfect. And when I DO get married (because I am), my husband can stand firm in knowing that WE made the right decision. The decision is so much bigger than us as people. Think about your purpose in life… What is it? What stance will you take?

Ask Yourself Which Relationship Are You Nurturing

By T. Marie on January 19, 2016

The definition of relationship is a rather easy concept to grasp. Yet, once you implement effectiveness (or lack thereof) you change the dynamic completely. Anyone can engage with someone else and consider it a relationship; rather it be your spouse/partner, your friend, your colleague etc. Being genuine in those interactions and most of all present, will determine the validity of them.

 

There are so many factors relevant in our lives that we very rarely take a moment to think about… Who… better yet, what, are we giving most of our attention to? We have our spouses, children, friends, etc. We often look at the things that we choose to give our attention to as our escape… For instance, if you have children yet you like to party, you convince yourself that partying is just your “me” time away from your children. If you have friends that you hang out with all of the time, you convince yourself that it is just time away from your partner. Now there is nothing wrong with taking some time to yourself… I’m not talking about those instances. What I am concerned with is when we go overboard… i.e. feeding this habit for several days out of the week. At that point, there is something bigger happening…

Ask yourself, who or what am I nurturing? Let’s look at it in more detail from the perspectives above:

  • Spending 3-4 days a week at the club/casino/bar etc. for several hours add up, and it ultimately adds up to the time that you are not spending with your children or your family. Your children feel that disconnection, they just don’t know how to express it. So how does it show its face? In the form of rebellion, attitude, failing grades, promiscuity etc. That is their way of begging for attention. Don’t be fooled, this works the same way for the “worker bee”. Those of us who feel like we are working working working to ensure that our children have the absolute best because that is what we are supposed to do, right? But is the additional income worth the hours, days, months, and years stolen from our children? We have to start paying closer attention to these subtle cries… They could very well stem from the things that we would never consider as an issue.

  • Hanging out with your friends (guy or girl), multiple times a week will also begin to pose an issue or two. Hanging out can look many different ways depending on the person, it doesn’t necessarily have to be a club scene. But again, ask yourself, which relationship am I nurturing? If you are with your friends, laughing and building bonds, when do you ever strengthen the bond in your home? What’s really surprising to me is that once the shyt hits the fan, we are surprised! No one seen it coming, right? *side eye* When you come home at night and feel like you no longer “know” your partner, you can’t understand why?

There is nothing wrong with nurturing all of the relationships in our life. The key is balancing them. We have to have the right mix of interaction with all of the above to constantly strengthen each bond and enjoy the time spent. That is the only way that we can keep from neglecting our loved ones. You can’t grow or get stronger if you are disconnected. Neglect can cause so many issues: self doubt, stress, and insecurities. How many times do you see these characteristics arise and question where they originated from? This may seem simple, but it really isn’t. The most complex problems are the ones that we don’t recognize. They mask themselves as innocent instances that seem harmless. I gurantee there are many people who never even looked at this as a potential issue. But we are all human so anything acknowledged can be rectified. Try to implement some small changes to nurture and massage ALL of your relationships equally. You will see a big difference in the amount of hell and hovoc that you receive at home. It’s the small things that made a big difference.

Reasons Why You Should Never Trust The Unspoken Commitment

By T. Marie on January 19, 2016

Commitments are becoming a thing of the past. Between the men AND women who are commitment-phobes; afraid to take the leap into relationships due to a plethora of issues! Then there are those of us who “assume” there is a commitment. You know what I mean, right?… The type that have a couple of great nights of sex and all of a sudden assume they are in a relationship. Am I still not making sense? Let’s look at a factual example:

The Story: (I have to tell a story first because I like stories) – You and your peeps plan a night out. Before setting foot in the car it’s already understood that you are on the hunt. You want to snag something nice… A cuddle buddy, a one-night stand, or maybe even someone that can grow into something more. You’re dressed to the 9’s, slick from head to toe. You step into the club, smelling right and scoping the scene… You spot something looking nice over by the bar…

From a male perspective You’re gawking, eyeing her down. On your way over, you contemplate the perfect intro that should land you the panties for the night…

From a female perspective You side eye that handsome young tender. Once you look over your shoulder and give him the smirk, he signals you to come over. In your mind you’ve already played it out: Play the shy role, let him buy you several drinks, and give him exactly what you came there for in the first place.

You head home and the magic happens… You either get or give up the goods and all is well. Mission accomplished! A couple of weeks go by… you find yourself communicating with this person more than you thought you would. Their cool, the two of you have a lot in common, and your personalities seem to mesh perfectly! Awesome, right?!?1 What was a one-night stand could turn out to be a great friendship.

 Months pass… The sex is phucking awesome! Every other day you have to have it.

From a female perspective… You’re getting emotionally attached to this man. You begin to contemplate if there is a future with him (because now you want one). What would he be like? Is he ready as well? You damn sure can’t imagine him being with or sleeping with other women. Time to lock it down!

From a male perspective You’re comfy as hell… She is always accessible to you; morning, noon, and night. She cooks the meals at your house and hers. She cleans and make sure all your needs are met, not to mention her cookies keep you tamed like a trained puppy. You’re content with things just the way they are… I mean, you don’t want her to give up the goodies, but you don’t plan on slowing down your pimp stroll either.

 Everything is still going well… She considers herself his woman (although he never clarified exactly “what” they were). He is fulfilling her needs, so she won’t complain about it too much. He is content, she’s dope. She’s giving him house wife qualities without being a wife. He’s still playing his hand with all of his old flings. He doesn’t see a problem because technically, he never committed to anything to begin with.

The Reality: Now, we all know how this ends. If you don’t, let me put it into perspective: The female catches him either with or on the phone with another chic and all hell breaks loose! How could he do this to her? He was supposed to be faithful! This dirty, nasty, low down dude was still sleeping with other chics?! Who in the phuck does he think he is, right?!?

 WRONG!!! All sarcasm aside, he is exactly who he was when you met him. You never required, or even asked for a commitment when you started to want one… You never even asked if that’s what HE wanted. Why are you angry? You got there just like all the others. You assumed that he was in it the same way that you were, but that was never verified. How can you flip out over an unknown situation?

Moral of the Story: Try not to assume yourself into a commitment. It really does require the agreement of two people (not just one). If you are ready to be in a committed relationship but your partner is not, then you have a decision to make. But you can’t force them. The nature of the human is to show resistance when they feel like their power is being taken away, especially by force. Let things naturally fall in to place because they will. You want it to happen that way so he can be just as in love with you as you are with him; no room for questioning.

Why The Expectations Of Monogamy May Be Unrealistic

By T. Marie on January 19, 2016

Monogamy… One of the most misused words in the U.S. I want to discuss the word as it relates to sexual relationships.

 It’s very interesting, the way the mind works as it relates to this topic. We hear it time and time again, everyone wants monogamy, right? But do we ever stop to ask if some people are even “capable” of being such?

 Ahhh, the American dream… In a perfect world, it is ideal to go out and meet that one person that you fall in love with and be in a harmonious, monogamous relationship with for the rest of your life. Sounds perfect enough, right? Are people really this perfect?

 If you are in a defined relationship with another person, I think it’s safe to say that the assumption is that they will be monogamous. You would think that your partner vowed to be with you and only you. But what if your partner steps out of the relationship and sleeps with another person? Do you lose all trust and respect for that person? Do you leave what was once a solid relationship with the person that you swore to love, only to risk finding another person who will do the same thing? The very thought of losing everything that you have built with a person due to a fling is the very reason why most people (men in particular) are leaning away from entering relationships altogether. If you can lose everything in the blink of an eye, what is the purpose in ever starting it?

Let’s take a more realistic approach to the matter. Men in particular are animalistic creatures (even some women). Being so, they like the chase. That chase may very well land them in between the legs of another woman (Don’t kill the messenger, I’m just being real). Now, let’s ponder a couple of things before we get to hair swinging and lip popping:

Communication

– Have you had the conversation with your partner regarding monogamy? Let’s stop assuming and then get upset when our partner cheats. Be upfront and direct. Get his thoughts on it, and listen to his answer. If he respond’s that he loves you but gets the urge to have sex with someone else every now and then, don’t slap the shyt out of him! Listen… Now you have the information that you need to make a decision upfront. Either you decide if that is something that you are willing to deal with, and if so, then stay. If absolutely not, then leave. Don’t attempt to argue him down about his answer and still stay, but blow up and leave as soon as you find out about an instance that you knew could happen sooner or later. Again, we have to stop assuming. Men (or women) cannot live up to expectations that they don’t even know exist. We cannot assume that everyone is on board with monogamy because they aren’t. It is up to the individual couple to decide.

 In 2015, we have seen several new attempts at making relationships work such as: threesomes, open relationships, polygamy, etc. Open relationships was once something that we only heard about on tv… or so we thought. Now we know people as close as our next door neighbors who may indulge in one or the other. This may provide an option to some of the women who feel that they love the man who is great to them and want to help him fulfill the “urge” without him being sneaky and deceitful about it. Let’s go back to the key factors that must be prevalent in order to even attempt these options.

Trust

-There is no reason to even entertain an open relationship, threesome etc. if you do not trust your partner. Trust is a big deal in any relationship… Whether you are going the traditional route or not. If you are bringing other women into the fold, the last thing you want to do is be worried about if he’s trying to leave you for her or not. That can cause you to spiral out of control, causing insecurity issues etc. Don’t do it if trust issues are a factor. Better yet, contemplate why you are even there if you can’t trust him.

Communication (…again)

-Again, the communication lines have to be open. You have to communicate if you attempt to try something new, as a matter of fact, do a lot of it. If you are uncomfortable or something just doesn’t feel right, let him (or her) know. Don’t take this lightly. You are bringing someone else into your bedroom and that is a big deal. I would hope that you and your partner are on the same page… Especially if you are not sure of the other persons intentions. Better yet, if you are not sure if they have ill intentions, why invite them in in the first place?

 Many of our issues as it relates to relationships and monogamy, can be resolved by trust and effective communication. Have the conversation that most people are scared to have. Sit down with your partner and discuss BOTH of your sexual needs and wants. Through that convo, you may come to the realization that your partner isn’t even “capable” of being monogamous. You may feel the exact same way. As long as the two of you are in sync with your thoughts on the matter and keep your lines of communication open, you may consider trying the modern options. When you attempt to force yourself into a box that you were never meant to fit in, you are creating a recipe for disaster. Monogamy may work for some but not for others… The same with polygamy and open relationships. It is up to you to make that decision.

 Whatever your preference, keep it between you and your partner. Your opinions are the only ones that matter.

#2 Reason Relationships Crumble

By T. Marie on January 19, 2016

FINANCES! Yup, financial woes are the #2 reason why relationships go down the drain. There is nothing wrong with having a “bread-winner” in the house; those aren’t the issues that I’m concerned with. As a matter of fact, being a stay-at-home moms or dad is usually negotiated with the partner upfront. The spouse is usually very much aware of the financial responsibility that will fall on them as a result, and they are ok with it. Nope, let’s not discuss those. Let’s discuss the subliminal issues that cause financial woes that no one wants to talk about! It’s a tough conversation, but it must be had, and maybe afterward we can stop pointing the finger at each other regarding whose fault it is.

Let’s start with the obvious…

The Gold Digger with Goals. Unfortunately, the ladies are usually guilty of this behavior. She’s a woman digging for gold with goals (the goal of being a kept woman that is). Normally, this chic in particular is on the prowl for a specific type of man. He has to be ready made, established, and can provide her with the lifestyle that she desires. These women are normally gorgeous with abnormally perfect bodies, so it’s never hard to attract the type of man that they are looking for. She has expensive taste and wants nothing but the best of cars, clothes, jewelry, homes etc. I don’t fault her though; the men who pursue her know exactly what she’s bringing (which is expensive habits). Everything is great in the beginning; money is not a problem. Until you’ve taken out one too many loans on homes and cars etc. and you can no longer afford thousand dollar bags and shoes. You start borrowing money from everyone to keep up the “lifestyle.” Then all of a sudden there’s a problem in the household. You can no longer afford to keep her. Ironically men, for some reason, cannot understand why this woman is acting different all of a sudden. The reality is that… IT’S NOT SUDDEN AT ALL! You can no longer PROVIDE her with the life that she desired! Now she has to go… Are you surprised? You shouldn’t be. The foundation of the relationship was finances, and now they are gone. Bye bye to the broke ex and on to the next. It’s ok fellas, you knew what the relationship was about when you met her. Hold yourself accountable. You may have lied to yourself about what you wanted it to be, but face the reality of it. Chop it up as a loss, and hopefully learn some-damn-thing from your mistake.

The Risk Taker. Fellas, this is for you (although some women could fit the bill too). Come close and listen… closer… CUT IT OUT with these get rich quick schemes!!! I’m sorry, but it just won’t start raining money. No one became a millionaire overnight… well… unless they were a trust fund baby, but that’s beside the point. You won’t ironically become the SVP of some pyramid based company; it is highly unlikely that you can send $5,000k to some random person in India and they give you back $100,000k in return; No! No, no, no, none of it will work! Please do not take you AND your wife’s retirement fund and expect to “flip” it. What happens when the flip actually flop? There is no more savings, and the household is now in a financial bind. Unfortunately, this is what crumbles marriages. The wife will never be able to let go of the fact that everything you all built together is now down the drain. Sorrow will turn to resentment, and conversations to arguments. The household will be bitter and no one is happy. Who wants to live their life like that? It’s very hard to come back from this pitfall. Ties will be severed and so will the bond.

The Shopper. This is a two-sided coin. I know men who spend wayyyyy too much, and women. Let’s look at a couple of examples: If you have a woman that is fascinated by Gucci, Louis Vuitton, and the like; initially, you will want to please her. However, those 1, 2, and 3 thousand dollar habits will add up… and quick! If you aren’t a celebrity, which you probably aren’t, you will feel that dent in your pockets! So what do you do, go broke for a bag or leave? Most men will leave. You will never be able to afford a woman like that, so it’s better to sever your ties. On the flip side, if you have a man that loveeeessss fast cars, rims, paint jobs, strip clubs etc.; to the point that that’s the first thing he spends his money on, you may want to run. I mean, prior to paying the rent and grocery shopping he’s at Spiffed-Up Auto, purchasing the latest Asanti wheels out! As a woman, you may want to question his priorities. He’s probably not too concerned with saving for the future, or building a financial empire for that matter. He’s more concerned with the size of his wheels and the horsepower in his engine. A woman usually won’t want to waste her time there, he clearly isn’t interested in building with her.

The bottom line is: ones financial irresponsibility will impact the whole house. Homes are not built on instability. If you are trying to build with your partner, get their input before impulse purchases (big or small). Have a conversation before you make a senseless decision. Make your partner feel as if they are a part of the decision making process. You never know, they may be the person that save you from your downfall.

#1 Reason Why Relationships Crumble

By T. Marie on January 19, 2016

Solid relationships are few and far in between these days. I mean, it’s really sad. It’s almost like the general population has lost hope in love… and life for that matter. Whenever I turn on the television I see a new break up or divorce; hell… to personalize it even more, whenever I log on to social media I see the same as well! So what is the issue? What is occurring today, that didn’t occur 20 years ago? What is the reason for the lack of longevity in relationships these days?

Well, I have a theory. I think I know exactly what the reason(s) are. Now, these categories can be broken down into subcategories as well. But let’s start with the number 1 reason…

#1 – Cheating: Of course, you guessed this one right?!?! Cheating is probably the main reason why most relationships fail. Whether that be infidelity on behalf of the man or the woman; It’s just one of those things that literally takes your heart, snatch it out of your chest, stomp on it, spit a loogie, run over it with a semi-truck, and then hand it back. Exaggeration, maybe… But anyone who has ever been cheated on knows that indescribable feeling all too well…The odd part about it is, I’m sure “cheating” didn’t just start in the 20th century. So how did our parents, and their parents handle it if they were married 40-50 years and more? But let’s look deeper anyway…

  • Sub-cat 1: Peeling back a layer – Is it considered cheating if you actually weren’t? You could have been accused as such from having a phone conversation with a high school friend; or you were caught giving someone a simple compliment; now, in the social media era, it’s even as real as someone connected to your page leaving emoji’s under all your pictures.  Are these examples cheating? I bet if you asked the accuser they would say HELL YES. It’s very important to understand the difference though… YES, the above could definitely hurt your partner, so please always be considerate of those feelings, but is it really cheating? Is this really the # 1 reason, or are the stats skewed? Depends on who you ask. I suppose cheating could be described however you want to describe it. However, my humble opinion would be: please don’t let the Petty Wap or Petty LaBelle side of you ruin your relationship. Is it worth it? If you put too much energy into being petty, you probably won’t be able to tell the difference when a “real” issue surface. Ask yourself, if you agree that the examples above are cheating… Is it really enough to ruin a solid relationship? If it is, you have to question the foundation of it. Your bond and your love should be so strong, that only you can break it. If outside influences can crumble your house, it was never completely built to begin with.

  • Sub-cat 2: Consider the source… We only know what one tells us. Normally when we get the “story”, whether it’s a personal affiliation or a damn celebrity, it is always one sided. One person told the story… It doesn’t matter which person because we can assume the same logic for both, which is the other party would probably have a different story. Think about it… if your friend calls you and says that her boyfriend/husband cheated, do you hear from him as well? No. If the media reports a celebrity left her husband because he cheated, do we hear a response from him? More than likely no. I know this has a lot to do with damage control. Sometimes the fight and messiness that may come from responding isn’t worth it. It’s still something to keep in the mind though…

  • Sub-cat 3: Consider the facts… Which we normally don’t have, right? We never get the backdrop to the story (which always exist). The info could range from:

  1. Problems in the house. Are there pre-existing issues that caused one side to step out. Could that person have been trying to get out of the relationship anyway, and the significant other chose to ignore the signs?

  2. Lack of sex. Regardless of how much society denies it, sex is a huge part of a relationship. Beneath the surface, it is a spiritual bond that connects you and your partner. That very reason is why it is detrimental to have many partners (but we’ll discuss that later). If there is a strain on the sex life, it is very easy for your partner to disconnect from you. Especially men, as they are more physical creatures.

  3. Not worth a damn in the first place. Or this could be someone who was detrimental to you to begin with, but you ignored it. They may not have had any qualities, but you ignored it. Your intuition could have been telling you that the person was a mistake… BUT you ignored it. You ignored every red flag and warning, trying to see something in the person that was never there to see. You can’t think more of your partner than they think of themselves. And in those cases, why are you shocked when they cheat again? You have to accept some accountability in those actions too. Sometimes we don’t want to accept that as the truth, but it is what it is. Remember, YOU control who you let in.

Whew! I’m exhausted just thinking about it all, but I hope it’s at least something to think about. If you have nothing else, you should be able to trust your partner until proven otherwise. No one is perfect… NO ONE. Our flaws are in different areas, but they are still flaws. You probably won’t find the perfect person, but a person can be perfect for you. If issues do arise in your relationship, deal with them IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP. Outside influences can influence the outcome. Be sure you control your own relationship; no one else can tell you what is or isn’t good for you.

A Tip To The Lonely Friend – Male Edition

By T. Marie on January 19, 2016

Q for the ladies: Does your man have a friend, or several for that matter, who are not in relationships? Therefore, they need HIS time alllll the damn time? You know, constantly wanting to go out, or to watch a game, or to eat? When really, they are just lonely. They don’t have a woman, and little to no family that they communicate with. They are constantly on the move, and need someone to fill those time voids with… and that’s usually your damn man.

 These friends have no consideration for his relationship. Hell, they probably wish that he wasn’t in one as well. They usually spend their time talking about women, and how there are no good ones left; or making up some excuse for why they aren’t in a relationship. Refusing to deal with the issue at the surface, which is, they are a phucking train wreck! There are normally commitment issues, or insecurities keeping these men from having and/or keeping a woman.

 Now, we know how men feel about their friends, right? There is some guy code there that women will never get. So your man will never see what you do. He just looks at it as typical “guy time”, nothing more nothing less. He doesn’t see the friends intruding on your time. What used to be your QT, has now turned into MT (maybe time). Let’s not get it twisted, I’m not bashing the lonely friends, I’m really not… But I do have a two fold message to deliver:

To the men in the relationships: It is ok to have your homies… it is even ok to keep your “guys night out”… But understand where to draw the line. Women are emotional creatures, and we like our quality time. We view it as bonding time, and would like to keep the romance in the fold as well. Not to mention sex… We want… No… We NEED to have sex with our man. (FYI: It improves a woman’s attitude tremendously! If you want her to stop nagging, you know what to do…) We never… I REPEAT… NEVER need to be around our friends more than we are around our man. He just holds a certain place in our heart, and we are willing to dedicate our time and attention to him. Make your woman that same priority. It’s ok to say no, trust me they aren’t going anywhere. Your homeboys will still be lonely and begging for some time again tomorrow.

To the lonely friends: It’s ok to be alone… No really… It is!! That should be the time that you use to work on yourself. Figure out why you don’t have, or can’t keep a woman! Work on those insecurities and issues that are really blocking you from being happy. I’m sure you want the type of relationship that your friend has… and it’s possible to obtain. But you have to deal with the root of the problem first. Drinking, partying, and time fillers will not fill the void of love and a relationship. I want you to be happy just as much as you do… just not at the expense of my time.

Please let us continue nurturing our relationships without your ass in the fold! We greatly appreciate your understanding.

Signed… The women of the world

E-Topic: Return Of The Ex…

By T. Marie on January 19, 2016

Subject: How do I know if my man is cheating with his ex?

Scenario: My boyfriend and I have been together for several years. Recently I found out that he has been sneaking and doing things such as taking his ex to work and picking her up, taking her on grocery runs, etc. Now, I am not an insecure woman at all, but truthfully, this is bothering me. Especially since he did not tell me about these dealings and I found out from a 3rd party. Should I confront him about it? If so, how do I bring it up?

My POV: First, let me point out that you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings regarding this situation. I think it is fairly accurate to say that most women would be uncomfortable with the situation due to the following:

  • The secrecy. If the relationship is nothing, why is it a secret that he is dropping her off at work etc.? Admittedly, he could have a perceived notion that you would over react if he told you, however, keeping it a secret and tip toeing around will only make it worse. Men: Try to be a little more transparent with your woman in this regard. Especially regarding your ex, because those secret dealings can often ruin your current reality.

  • The “type” of interaction. Taking her to and from work, going grocery shopping… Those are all things that one would typically do with their woman. I have never heard a man randomly say he was about to go and take his ex to work, unless he was still giving her the business and felt some obligation to do so. Let’s leave that right there…

 

One thing that keeps going through my mind is, why would a man wake up and leave the house extremely early to ensure that his ex gets to work on time? Let’s be clear, relationships require trust. There is no ifs, ands, and buts about it. Never jump to conclusions without discussing the issue at hand. You never know, it could be some freak incident where he can actually justify his actions. But this seems to be going a bit too far. My suggestion would be to go out for a date night, loosen up a bit. Have a glass of wine, and a light hearted conversation. Find a segway to discuss the issue from there. Keep in mind that men shut down when they feel that you are attacking them, so check your tone and your angle first. Don’t raise your voice, and don’t put the *lip smack* at the end of every sentence. Make him feel as comfortable as possible so that the conversation can be productive. That is not saying that he will have a good reason though… *side eye* If he is stuttering and stumbling over his words, or he flips the issue back on you, you have your answer.

I don’t think that some men consider the respect piece of relationships. This could be due to lack of maturity or just being plain oblivious but either way, if you want your relationship to succeed you have to respect your partner. That also means with every action you take, if it is questionable, consider your partner. If the shoe was on the other foot, you would not want her picking up her ex and hanging out at the grocery store with him…

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